People and Things That Piss Me Off (and how to retaliate)

So I hear that writing down your thoughts is one of the best ways to release anger, and manage stress.  In my opinion, it is also a way to give a big fuck you to all the people out there that piss me off, and another fuck you to the things that piss me off.  Yes, I am saying fuck you to things.  Inanimate objects are actually extremely emotional, and I expect an inanimate object uprising once this article is published.

1.  People who don’t say ‘thank you’ when I hold the door open for them

You’re walking into work, groggy and half awake due to the lack of sleep you got last night.  About 20 feet behind you, a man is catching up to you and you recognize this person as someone who works in the same building as you.  You think to yourself, “Fuck them, I’m tired and I’m getting to my desk ASAP to stare at my computer monitor and sip on my mediocre coffee.”  What you actually do is open the door, and hold it for him to catch up to you.  Maybe you can even ride the elevator together!!  Your fellow office-mate walks in without muttering a word to you.   Here is when you walk onto the elevator with him and proceed to press every single button leading up to the floor you’re going to.  Then, look him straight in the eyes and say, “Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.”  Be sure to do this until he says something or looks utterly confused.  Then, punch him in the gut and tell him, “I held the fucking door open for you down there.  I could have fucking walked right into the building and made you wait for the next elevator ride up, but I decided to dedicate an extra 10 seconds of my life to you.  Next time, say thank you.  Maybe even just give a nice nod and a smile.  If you pull that shit one more time, I will personally see to it that you will NEED someone to hold the door open for you since you will have absolutely no use of your hands due to the amount of sharpened pencils I will jab into each one of them.”  Congratulations!  Lesson learned.

2.  The Line Cutter

The line cutter is someone we all have to deal with at one time or another.  Whether you’re waiting to order a Big Mac, or getting giddy because you’re about to sit down on the roller coaster you’ve been staring at for the past two hours, these people always seem to find you.  Truth be told, the line cutter only adds an extra minute to your wait.  Truth be exaggerated, the line cutter deserves cruel and unusual punishment.  Remember ‘punch buggy no backsies’?  Well I’m sure there will not be a Volkswagen Beetle in close proximity, but pay no attention to that.  Punch the line cutter in the arm over and over while repeating the phrase, “Punch buggy no backsies.”  5-10 punches should be sufficient.  Don’t punch the line cutter so hard that you will get knocked out for your actions, but just hard enough to completely aggravate the person.  During the line cutter’s aggravation, proceed to step in front of them in line, and order your delicious greasy meal, step onto your roller coaster of choice, or enjoy whatever it is that you have been to patiently waiting in line for.

You might be asking yourself, “What does a punch buggy have to do with a line cutter?”  The answer is, absolutely nothing.  Enjoy!

3.  The Facebook Poker

What one who pokes you on Facebook is really trying to say – I am too pussy to send you a message.  I am too much of a wimp to write on your wall.  I don’t have the balls to talk to you in real life.  I masturbate to your pictures.

Retaliation – look at yourself in the mirror and say, “Ugly people masturbate to my pictures.  Fuck Yea!”

4.  Meaningless Bulk Emails Received from Work, School etc.

These emails usually only affect a couple of the hundreds of people they are sent to.  You are not one of these people, yet you open the email just to read some BS that wasted a good 30 seconds of your day.  A full half minute of your day wasted?  Intolerable.

What to do – Forward the email to a non-work email address you have.  Click reply to all.  Within the message say something like “extremely important information about the prior email!”  Then paste a link there.  The link can be of your choosing.  If you want to be unoriginal, you can go for the ever popular Rickroll.  A better idea may be creating a site that explains how your company is laying people off.  Nothing like a bunch of depressed and worried employees!  If this is not a work email, then use your own creativity to scheme away.

5.  Your Computer Freezes While Writing an ‘Important’ Document, email, etc.

You are a sentence away from completing that report your boss has been harassing you about for the last week.  You breathe a sigh of relief as you realize that all your hard work will finally pay off.  Fade to blue.  You never set your preferences to auto-save your work, and you’re sure you didn’t save it yourself.  Have no worries!  Here is your chance at YouTube stardom!  Have a camcorder handy and give it to your most trusted coworker.  Tell him or her to record your every move for your upcoming work documentary.  Now proceed to do something similar to this –

Inanimate objects are often the most fun things to damage (besides human self esteem).  When your company threatens to sue you for damages, claim that ‘Office Space’ made you do it.

Well, that’s all for now. Enjoy! (I will not be held accountable for any actions taking relating to this post).

Tagged: facebook, off, office flip out, people, pet peeve, piss, russ palmer

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